- Use 'I' instead of 'You'
- Refer to the behaviour and not the person.
- State how the behaviour affects you.
- State what you need to happen.
- State that there is a consequence to their action.
January 29, 2010
I wrote a poem on Tuesday for my writing class. It wasn't actually for the class, but rather a warm up exercise to get the creative juices flowing. The thing was, I was so proud of it, I posted it on a social networking site. The poem was about the feelings I was experiencing during my divorce. It was certainly raw - but I received some backlash from it. Some people that knew my ex felt it was a bit trashy for me to post it publicly. Since this is my little corner of the world, I'm going to re post it.
A Letter to My Ex
To my ex-husband,
I hate you.
You made me feel angry.
I have learned that anger is an emotion that is secondary, stemming from fear and hurt.
I was hurt.
You shocked me by telling me that you preferred your own company to mine.
This made my heart ache.
It made me feel worthless.
It made me think that I was unimportant and that the last eight years had been a sham.
You squashed my dreams of beating the odds.
I wanted to be a parent and a grandparent with you by my side. I wanted to retire to the English seaside with you and sip tea and eat cream cakes.
You stole my dream of growing old with the one person who knew me best.
You may not have been perfect, but you were perfect for me.
I was fearful.
How was I meant to go on?
I had spent almost a decade with you, spanning nearly my entire twenties and two countries.
I didn't know how to date, how to relate to others romantically.
You were my life.
I have gathered what is left of my life and tried to create an identity solo.
This has been harder than expected.
It took me a long time to untangle me from you - and the journey continues.
My hope had been that I could replace you, but my relations with men have been bumpy to say the least.
The physical interactions that I used to employ in my teens and early twenties have left me feeling dirty and empty.
As I learn about who I am, I am trying to be okay with being alone without feeling lonely.
You forced me into this.
I resent it.
I hated not having a choice.
I hate that I am stigmatized by being divorced before I am thirty.
I hate that your choice has impacted so many other people.
I hate everything about my situation.
But, it is just temporary.
This too shall pass.
And perhaps, just perhaps, my hate will turn to gratitude.
Sincerely,
Your ex-wife
In defense, I made sure that he had a copy, so it was not been done behind his back. This is my true, unbridled, raw emotion and it's a tough pill to swallow. But this has been a real writing accomplishment for me - to write something that is completely uncensored. If you read it, I don't say a bad word about him or call him names, I am expressing my experience. I was careful to use a lot of 'I statement', which we learn in counselling techniques, allows people to express their feelings without placing blame. Today's question is: what is the value of 'I statements'?
A: 'I statements' are the essence of assertive language - they are powerful messages of impact and personal perspective. 'I statements' are useful and preferred because the accountability stays with the speaker. In order to effectively use this form of communication it is best to stick to a five step system.
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I wrote a poem on Tuesday for my writing class. It wasn't actually for the class, but rather a warm up exercise to get the creative juices flowing. The thing was, I was so proud of it, I posted it on a social networking site. The poem was about the feelings I was experiencing during my divorce. It was certainly raw - but I received some backlash from it. Some people that knew my ex felt it was a bit trashy for me to post it publicly. Since this is my little corner of the world, I'm going to re post it.
A Letter to My Ex
To my ex-husband,
I hate you.
You made me feel angry.
I have learned that anger is an emotion that is secondary, stemming from fear and hurt.
I was hurt.
You shocked me by telling me that you preferred your own company to mine.
This made my heart ache.
It made me feel worthless.
It made me think that I was unimportant and that the last eight years had been a sham.
You squashed my dreams of beating the odds.
I wanted to be a parent and a grandparent with you by my side. I wanted to retire to the English seaside with you and sip tea and eat cream cakes.
You stole my dream of growing old with the one person who knew me best.
You may not have been perfect, but you were perfect for me.
I was fearful.
How was I meant to go on?
I had spent almost a decade with you, spanning nearly my entire twenties and two countries.
I didn't know how to date, how to relate to others romantically.
You were my life.
I have gathered what is left of my life and tried to create an identity solo.
This has been harder than expected.
It took me a long time to untangle me from you - and the journey continues.
My hope had been that I could replace you, but my relations with men have been bumpy to say the least.
The physical interactions that I used to employ in my teens and early twenties have left me feeling dirty and empty.
As I learn about who I am, I am trying to be okay with being alone without feeling lonely.
You forced me into this.
I resent it.
I hated not having a choice.
I hate that I am stigmatized by being divorced before I am thirty.
I hate that your choice has impacted so many other people.
I hate everything about my situation.
But, it is just temporary.
This too shall pass.
And perhaps, just perhaps, my hate will turn to gratitude.
Sincerely,
Your ex-wife
In defense, I made sure that he had a copy, so it was not been done behind his back. This is my true, unbridled, raw emotion and it's a tough pill to swallow. But this has been a real writing accomplishment for me - to write something that is completely uncensored. If you read it, I don't say a bad word about him or call him names, I am expressing my experience. I was careful to use a lot of 'I statement', which we learn in counselling techniques, allows people to express their feelings without placing blame. Today's question is: what is the value of 'I statements'?
A: 'I statements' are the essence of assertive language - they are powerful messages of impact and personal perspective. 'I statements' are useful and preferred because the accountability stays with the speaker. In order to effectively use this form of communication it is best to stick to a five step system.
Okay, perhaps my poem wasn't all blame free, but at the end of the day, I wrote about the things that I wanted for us and how I've been hurt by the situation. At the end of all of this, I think it has taught me a valuable literary lesson: true, unbridled emotion causes the most controversy, and controversy adds interest. I wrote another poem about someone else who broke my heart recently - it was full of old time imagery and symbolism - not one person has commented on it.
Sources:
Compassion Coach: How and When to Use "I" Statements
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